Editor’s note: This is the second of a two-part series on helping children cope with death. Age 7 through adolescence is addressed here.Grieving is part of living. Much of how a child grieves is determined by the influence of parents and primary caregivers. An environment that fosters open, honest communication offers bereaved children security during their waves of yearning, sadness, anger and guilt. They will undoubtedly experience the pain associated with grief and mourning, yet will be able to express their feelings and resolve any difficult issues. They will learn to cope with grief and the skills they master will remain with them throughout adulthood. Lessons in grief and healing are precious gifts you can give your children.
Children age 7 to 8 frequently become fearful of death because they realize for the first time that it is real. They are not only concerned about death as a concept, but also about the instruments of death and what happens after a person dies. They may ask questions about why the person died or seek information about who or what caused the death. However, many of the factors of early childhood still apply and children may not be ready for all the details. It is important for caregivers to provide age-appropriate responses. At this age, it is important for children to express their sadness, anger, fear and guilt.
A more adult concept of life and death develops roughly between the ages of 9 and 11. At this age, children are aware of their own feelings and need support and comfort. They may also empathize with others, understand what the loss means to them and be a source of support. Opportunities to be helpful to others during the crisis may actually help children deal with their own feelings.
Adolescents are on the threshold of independence. They are tightly bonded with peers and begin to disengage from family. Although adolescents may understand how to behave appropriately with others, their social and emotional immaturity often leads them to act otherwise, which can affect their relationships at home and at school.
The adolescent’s school performance will likely reflect the stress and trauma that accompanies sudden and violent death. While academic expectations should not be relaxed, bereaved children may need extra tutoring, a less demanding schedule or some other assistance from the school. School officials should always be notified of a death within the family, regardless of the child’s age.
Adolescents between the ages of 14 and 16 have achieved a stronger identity. They are not as self-centered, although they may still think about their own death when faced with the death of another. When met with the loss of an important relationship, adolescents’ self-centered values may cause great fear, guilt, anxiety and anger. They may feel that no one has felt the deep and powerful feelings they now feel. No one has ever loved as they do, or grieved as they grieve. Adolescents have the ability to empathize with others, so their pain is doubled. They may express their rage by a general increase in aggressive behavior. Adolescents should be told that while feelings simply exist, how one responds to these feelings could be appropriate or inappropriate. Helping teens find acceptable ways to express anger is of utmost importance.
Adolescents are on the threshold of independence. They are tightly bonded with peers and begin to disengage from family. Although adolescents may understand how to behave appropriately with others, their social and emotional immaturity often leads them to act otherwise, which can affect their relationships at home and at school.
The adolescent’s school performance will likely reflect the stress and trauma that accompanies sudden and violent death. While academic expectations should not be relaxed, bereaved children may need extra tutoring, a less demanding schedule or some other assistance from the school. School officials should always be notified of a death within the family, regardless of the child’s age.
Adolescents between the ages of 14 and 16 have achieved a stronger identity. They are not as self-centered, although they may still think about their own death when faced with the death of another. When met with the loss of an important relationship, adolescents’ self-centered values may cause great fear, guilt, anxiety and anger. They may feel that no one has felt the deep and powerful feelings they now feel. No one has ever loved as they do, or grieved as they grieve. Adolescents have the ability to empathize with others, so their pain is doubled. They may express their rage by a general increase in aggressive behavior. Adolescents should be told that while feelings simply exist, how one responds to these feelings could be appropriate or inappropriate. Helping teens find acceptable ways to express anger is of utmost importance.
Because adolescents form more intimate relationships with peers than with parents, it is advisable that networks or groups be made available for adolescents who have experienced the death of a loved one. While reluctant to participate in family therapy or support groups, an adolescent may respond well to a pastor, school counselor or another adolescent who “understands.” Parents and caregivers of a grieving adolescent should not be discouraged if their teen reaches out to someone other than family. It is normal behavior for this stage of development. Some kind of family intervention may be necessary, however, if the adolescent’s response is destructive to the family.
If you have questions or would like additional support in helping your child cope with death, call a local hospice, grief center, local MADD office, your child’s guidance counselor at school or a mental health professional. Many pediatricians and hospital social work departments can refer you to appropriate programs or professionals. Funeral directors and faith-based community leaders are also good resources.
By Lois Harvick for the Register Guard
Appeared in print March 22, 2009
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